An important part of the human condition is the need to matter. A team of writers in 2004 writing for the journal Self and Identity defined mattering as:
…the perception that, to some degree and in any of a variety of ways, we are a significant part of the world around us. Surely, it is central to our sense of who we are and where we fit in to be able to say that others think about us (at least occasionally), seek our advice, or would care about what happens to us (Elliot).
In the Happy Mess script, Tommy is initially dismissed by his teacher, Ms. Harvey until she discovers his artistic skill. She begins nurturing that talent and supporting him. When he sees that he is important, that he matters, his self-esteem improves (Elliot).
Studies have found that people demonstrate a lower level of depression, fear, anxiety, and academic stress when they feel valued. They have higher levels of self-esteem and social support. This in turn results in healthier and happier lives (Lemon, Paputsakis).
It may seem to a simplistic concept but it is woven into the heart of Happy Mess which is a meditation on sacrifice. Mattering will power much of the motivations and how the characters connect and support each other through the challenges they face. Not to mention the delight they share in being together.
stocksnap from Pixabay
Elliot, Gregory C., Suzanne Kao, Ann-Marie Grant. “Mattering: Empirical Validation of a Social-Psychological Concept.” Self and Identity, 3: pp 339–354, 2004. Psychology Press.
Lemon, Jan Cummins. “An Investigation of The Relationship Among Wellness, Perceived Stress, Mattering, And At-Risk Status for Dropping Out Of High School,” dissertation, Mississippi State University, Mississippi, 2010.
Paputsakis, Rachel Jo. “Adolescent Gender Differences In Perceived Interpersonal Mattering,” dissertation, University of Dayton, Dayton, OH, 2010.
In the play Happy Mess, Bella is invited to speak at the Young Leader’s Organization about her childhood and becoming a business owner in Bridge Water. The company is an economic anchor for her hometown. Bella doesn’t talk about it, but start-ups are difficult to make a go of and attest to her tenacity and savvy to make her ad agency a viable concern.
Fortune Magazine generates an annual list of the highest revenue generating corporations known as the Fortune 500. Currently on this list there are three openly gay CEOs:
Tim Cook with Apple, James Fitterling of The Dow Chemical Company, and Beth Ford who in 2018 became the first female CEO of Land O’Lakes, and the first openly lesbian CEO to run a Fortune 500 company (Carpenter).
There are currently 37 women running Fortune 500 companies (Connley).
On Ford’s appointment to CEO, Carpenter wrote that there are very few role models for women in business. The corporate world is still dominated by straight, cis-gendered leaders. A Human Rights Campaign survey showed that nearly half of all LGBT+ Americans aren’t out at work (Carpenter).
In an article for The Atlantic, Levenson found that Corporate America has become more accepting of LGBT+ workers in recent years, adding stronger non-discrimination policies and same-sex marriage benefits but at the same time it has not led to increased activism at the top. The rationale for this is fear of a consumer boycott if they learned the company is headed by a gay CEO (Levenson). This is echoed by Miller who wrote that discrimination can be hidden as a business strategy “— We’re tolerant, but our customers might not be.”
There is the possibility of change with Ford already being out when she was appointed. Carpenter interviewed Matt Kidd, executive director of Reaching Out MBA, a nonprofit organization for the LGBTQ MBA and graduate community:
“Where we can kind of measure success is with mid and lower-level employees, seeing an increase in LGBTQ representation there,” he says. “They’re going to be out their entire careers, and the presumption is they’ll rise up as others have, and what we want to look closely at is if someone is starting their career as out, is that in any way hindering them as they advance?”
Levenson, Eric. “Corporate America Doesn’t Have Any Openly Gay CEOs. Or Does It?” The Atlantic. May 16, 2014. https://www.theatlantic.com/national/archive/2014/05/corporate-america-still-doesnt-have-any-openly-gay-ceos/371049/. Last accessed July 28, 2020.
Miller, Claire Cain. “Where Are the Gay Chief Executives?” New York Times. May 16, 2014. https://nyti.ms/1gJLwum. Last Accessed: August 16, 2020.
One of the important moments in Happy Mess is when Bella comes out to her mother when her mother moves back to the family home after being away for several years. Bella is out in other aspects of her life but is almost forty years old when she tells Mama.
No two coming out stories are the same—a comment often made in the articles about people who came out later in life. Pew Research’s study in 2013 of LGBT+ Americans found that younger adults disclosed their orientation earlier in life that older adults. It anticipated that this was due both to changing social norms and the population itself:
The survey finds that the attitudes and experiences of younger adults into the LGBT population differ in a variety of ways from those of older adults, perhaps a reflection of the more accepting social milieu in which younger adults have come of age.
Pew Research
Tanya Byrne writes about her coming out when she was in her late 30s. She knew she was different but there was no what she called an “A-ha moment.” She attributed this in part to a lack of role models. She also mentioned that coming out is not a one and done event:
I don’t know why people say you ‘come out’ like you do it once then it’s done. I come out pretty much every day. To colleagues, neighbors, friends I haven’t seen for years, to the random bloke at the bus stop who wants my number. Every time I meet someone new, I have to ask myself the same thing: ‘Can I trust you? Are you going to hurt me?’ and that [sic] hope they don’t.
Tanya Byrne
The Pew Research study found that telling parents about their orientation was an important milestone. 56% of respondents had told their mother. 10% in the study the question was not applicable. 39% had not told their father.
Before moving on, I would note that Miller, writing for the New York Times had to update her article because of the vagueness of being “openly gay.”
This article had been revised to address the uncertain nature of “openly.” Some readers consider openly to include people who are out in their personal lives but not in the workplace; other readers, and the Human Rights Campaign, count only those who publicly identify themselves as gay.
Miller, Claire Cain. “Where Are the Gay Chief Executives?” New York Times. May 16, 2014. https://nyti.ms/1gJLwum. Last Accessed: August 16, 2020.
Water storage in one form or another has been around since antiquity. The type of water tower seen in Happy Mess is a product of the industrial era. After World War II through 1980, vagabond crews and families traveled the Midwest constructing water towers for communities to store their water. The Chicago Bridge & Iron Company & The Pittsburgh-Des Moines Steel Company did the bulk of the work in this region. They built around 8,000-11,000 towers during that time period and employed about 1000 workers.
“In small-town America, pent-up wartime demand was joined by rising expectations for a standard of living that included indoor plumbing, guaranteed water quality, and water-consumptive appliances. All these factors accelerated the shift from individual wells to municipal water systems (Spreng).”
The need for the specialty worker also enabled the creation of a new class of union laborer. This class was one whose work overlapped that of boilermakers and pipefitters and most importantly was willing to lead a roving life.
“In addition to coping with changing conditions and the dangerous nature of the work, crews and their families found themselves moving to new communities, setting up housekeeping, and perhaps registering children in schools more than once a month (Spreng).”
Spreng, Ronald E., “They Didn’t Just Grow There: Building Water Towers in the Postwar Era.” Minnesota History, Vol. 53, No. 4 (Winter, 1992), pp. 130-141. Minnesota Historical Society Press. Stable URL: https://www.jstor.org/stable/20187787. Accessed: 19-06-2020.
UI Water Resources video The University of Idaho has assembled an informative video describing how water is processed and used on campus including our three water towers .
University of Idaho water towers
The I Tower 1927, UI Special Collections UISPEC-ott_1199_90-08-077_1920
1952, UI Special Collections UISPEC-PG1_89-02-1952
UI Special Collections UISPEC-PG1_88-06-1948.jpg
UISPEC-PG52-186
These last images are undated. The cylinder towers are recent additions to the university campus.
A Rumination about Stories from the Stoop, creating narratives from oral history interviews.
Latah County Historical Society (LCHS) had a socially-distanced gathering of storytellers at the McConnell Mansion a few weeks ago. It’s the closest I’ve been to a live theatrical performance since The Moors last March. Sandy Shephard read two pieces for me. One was new and the other was a story I’d prepared from a couple of years ago when I’d first participated in the event.
My favorite collection at LCHS is the Oral History Collection. A series of interviews conducted during the 1970s, they are a treasure of life in Latah County during the turn of the 20th century. The audio recordings reveal personal thoughts on big events like wars, epidemics, prohibition and small like having pet squirrels.
For these storytelling events, I pulled from the collection. One well documented person is Ione “Pinkie” Adair. She was interviewed multiple times and some of her journals are on file as well. Her family lived at McConnell Mansion and she worked in a variety of professions in her life including county assessor, teacher, and timber homesteader. One of her more renowned stories was her time as a cook for firefighters during the Great Fire of 1910 when 3 million acres burned in Idaho, Montana, and southern Canada. It was thought to be one of the largest forest fires in American history.
Reading from her journals and then taking the transcripts from her interviews, I created a monologue of her life homesteading and the Great Fire.
The stories told at this event are not expected to be factual. But a personal writing challenge for myself was to not fabricate anything while creating the monologue. In this case, I wanted to keep Pinkie’s authentic voice and word choices and her story.
(Left: Stories from the Stoop at McConnell Mansion.)
I did edit to sculpt the narrative, making it more of a subtractive than additive process.
As an aside–With regards to my readers, I don’t recall if the original reader listened to Pinkie’s interviews, but Sandy did to appreciate Pinkie’s mannerisms. Even so, Sandy wouldn’t mimic Pinkie’s speech for the entire reading. This storytelling is performative and Sandy would give words different emphasis vocally than Pinkie did conversing with an interviewer. Then it becomes a delicate balance between story and verisimilitude for us.
The original performance was done by my friend, Troy Sprenke. We talked about the campfire reading and how the text should be performed. Troy’s great with engaging the audience and pulling them in. She’ll ask questions of the attendees and get them thinking about what was happening to Pinkie.
Screen capture from “Pinkie Adair & the Big Burn.”
The piece was brought back this year as part of an online revue for the Kenworthy Performing Arts Centre and Sandy stepped into the role. This time it was a prerecorded Zoom performance which made it possible to insert a photograph of Pinkie alongside of Sandy. There were two rehearsals. We used this opportunity to tighten, cut some lines that were confusing the narrative, and make the overall story tauter and more suspenseful. Just generally improving the telling of it.
After the Kenworthy revue, it returned to the storytellers event and Sandy graciously agreed to read there. We didn’t rehearse as the piece was still fresh in her mind but she reviewed the script on her own.
Sandy Shephard reading at McConnell Mansion.
I also compiled a new piece for LCHS by pulling up several interviews about the Bulgin religious revivals in the 1920s. These stories I wove together into a single narrative. This took more involvement/ interference on my part since I was drawing from a variety of narrators instead of a single person. It was a fun challenge to create the character they all embodied who would speak of what these revivals were like.
“I would think around 1920, give or take a year or so that Dr. Bulgin brought his revival to town. Lots of times people were carried away by the emotionalism of the crowd and everybody walking down, you know, to confess their sins. Some of them didn’t have any sins to confess! They were pretty good old people, you know! And they didn’t need to get so carried away.”
Elizabeth, “Walking the Sawdust Trail”
Sandy got the script and a couple days later we met on Zoom. We talked through the character of Elizabeth—Sandy named her. Between the two of us, we finished streamlining the story, editing bumpy text, etc. After the Zoom meeting, she worked on it some more and presented it with Pinkie’s story at the Mansion.
I love sharing stories from the oral histories if only to give the audiences a taste of what else is available for them to listen to online as told by the people who experienced it. And one really should go to the LCHS website and give the oral histories a listen.
A Rumination from my dramaturgy of Steven Dietz’s This Random World directed by David Lee-Painter (DLP).
Our production of This Random World The Myth of Serendipity was invited to perform at Region 7 of the Kennedy Center American College Theatre Festival!
Months had passed since any of us had laid eyes on the set or thought about the script. People had moved on to other projects. Students graduated and in a myriad of other ways life has gone on. Last week we completed remounting This Random World to share it 1200 peers at the annual festival. Part of the remount included a benefit performance to celebrate and finance the trip.
Immediate challenges were identifying returning company members, rehearsal space, and scheduling rehearsals. The next two shows in the university season by this time were cast and in production. Those shows included members from This Random World. Seven people were unable to return. The bulk were from the technical side; two were performers.
To fill the gaps, one understudy moved from a worldbuilder to speaking role. A member of the artistic staff became a worldbuilder and another worldbuilder was recruited into the company as were the needed technicians.
Then the question of rehearsal space: the Forge Theatre, an 80-seat black box configured in the round, where the show was originally staged was unavailable. Also, the hall at KCACTF is a 350-seat theatre with a thrust stage. Ideally, we preferred to work in a similar hall. The best choice was the Hartung Theatre, the 400-seat university mainstage, but it also had a show in rehearsal.
In the end, we cobbled together five rehearsals in three different locations. Two days were spent running concurrent rehearsals in the 30-seat studio and a classroom space—much the way the original rehearsals were run—and three days at Hartung. The set diagrams on the floors for the alternate spaces were at ¾ scale and ½ scale respectively. Hartung would have the actual set pushed downstage at a slight angle. It would also be the location for the benefit.
Logistics sorted, we went to work. Due to the rehearsal process which included an understudy performance, the understudy arrived already off-book and familiar with her blocking. She was one of two actors who traveled over 7 hours to rejoin the company.
Remounting a show, there is a desire to present the original production but prevent it from ossifying. Blocking would change as we adjusted to a thrust stage. And new company members would alter the energy.
I was curious how the venue hopping would effect the work. Some of the spaces were so small it seemed a waste of time to even meet there. Co-director David Lee-Painter disagreed and wanted any opportunity to get the company back moving through the show and feeling it again.
Expanding and contracting the performance area was a benefit. We were unable to keep tightly to our staging and were forced to tell the story with the conditions presented. In the end, it strengthened the storytelling. Instead of just fudging the blocking to fill the stage space, the movement changes were motivationally driven.
For example, in a scene where Tim is trying to prove to Rhonda that he is not dead, They’d kept together in a tight stand-off to accentuate the tension. During the remounting, Rhonda moved away from Tim. He caught her arm and brought her around, reversing their places. The action of the scene demonstrated the emotions Rhonda was feeling at finally meeting a deceased person. It also fed Tim’s desperation to correct the mess he’d made by faking in his own death and suddenly having to prove–somehow–that he was alive. It also transformed the encounter from stand-off to tug of war.
left photo by David Harlan Photography. Other two by author.
In the above images, is the opening scene set in Tim’s apartment. The left hand photo was as it was seen in the Forge. Center, the actors working in the studio on the 3/4 scale stage, and on the right on the mainstage.
The remounting process provided us with an unusual opportunity to leave a production and return several months later with some of the same but a few different company members. It gave another layer of the experience of shifting connections that are so vital to Dietz’s show. We’re looking forward to sharing it with our peers as the festival.
A Rumination from my dramaturgy of Steven Dietz’s This Random World directed by David Lee-Painter (DLP).
Three things at the heart of our production process: Mindfulness, World Building, Shadow Work
Mindfulness
In retrospect, I think I was the only one who said the word
“mindfulness” aloud. But it was consciously attended to. Leading up to
rehearsals, I had wondered, what would be the best way to discuss mindfulness
with the company? And, how to present it in such a manner that it would be
useful to their work? Several of the actors used meditation in their personal
life so it was not an unfamiliar idea. Did we need to have a discussion on it? There
was an instructor on campus who taught meditation. Perhaps she would come in
for a session? Or we should integrate mediation into the rehearsal warm-ups?
DLP and I had talked about mindfulness and its place in the
play. The first night with the company, he emphasized the need for “…an
intimate, interdependent vitality …. Actors jump up and help their cast mates”
(First Night Notes). There was an emphasis on the ensemble and an awareness of
each other.
Being mindful not only assisted the process but fed the story that Dietz was telling. Beth and her brother Tim illustrated how little they knew about what was happening in each other’s lives. At one point, Beth challenged her brother: “…do you have any actual evidence that you are, in fact, living and breathing and connected in some way to the known world?!” Dietz also set the play in locations that press in on the characters: a funeral parlor, a hospital, a Shinto shrine, even a wilderness in Nepal. These are places that arguably are personalities themselves in the story that the characters cannot be unaware of.
Co-director, Daniel L. Haley led the company through team building exercises that developed not only trust but cognizance and group reliance. It is anticipated that a company develops some form of bond through the course of any project. For the script work that DLP had in mind for this production, a strong sense of collaboration would strengthen the overall process. Also, they needed a foundational cohesiveness from the beginning. The bulk of This Random World is two-person scenes. We would be several weeks into rehearsals before the entire company worked together again.
World Building
The Forge is the university’s black box theater, and for
this production, it was configured in the round with four alley entrances.
Entering the theater, the audience was greeted to Jared Sorenson’s beautifully
understated set, ringed by river rock with a serene cloud floating above.
In This Random World’s script notes, Dietz writes: “A few simple and permanent units should suffice for everything. Transformations between them should be quick and easy.” We latched onto scene changes being “transformations” (another of many transformations within the play) and saw them as opportunities for storytelling. DLP chose to have worldbuilders who would move the audience from one mood and location to the next.
For our production, the entire company was an ensemble. Members without lines were worldbuilders. They also understudied a role with lines. The ensemble with speaking parts understudied a worldbuilder. During tech week an understudy performance was given.
The worldbuilders interacting with and creating the world of the play. Image by David Harlan Photography.
During the transformations, the worldbuilders not only complete a set change but interact with the scenic elements and properties as the people you would find in the spaces the story was shifting into. Coming out of the diner scene, the ensemble wore aprons as waitstaff and set the table and chairs. Moving from Tim’s apartment into a park, they were walkers, lovers, and even the characters Gary & Claire passed through. Into the airport, they were travelers making connections. Gary was there again to help Scottie with her walker off stage.
Production photo. A composite image of the transformation leading into the scene set at the Shimogamo Shrine and a moment during the scene. The worldbuilders ring the stage. Image by David Harlan Photography.
All the transformations were a flurry of choreographed movement. I felt the effect was akin to a wave hitting the stage and when it retreated only the performers for the scene remained. The largest transformation was from preshow into the show when the worldbuilders created Tim’s cluttered apartment in a matter of seconds.
Shadow Work
The most fascinating part of the production for me was the method DLP used in the early part of rehearsal as the actors were getting off book. I’d never seen it before. We referred to it as “shadow work.” The actors always had another person at their elbow with a script.
University of Idaho students rehearsing.
The script holder whispered the lines to the actor. When describing the method, DLP explained that shadow work required authentic listening and connection from the first rehearsal. Actors were not hampered by carrying a script which allowed blocking and more in-depth character work to start sooner (“First Rehearsal”).
University of Idaho students rehearing.
After a rehearsal period was concluded, the ensemble members
traded places and the script holder became the actor. Initially, the performers
expressed uneasiness with this new process and wondered if their beloved
co-director had lost his mind but rapidly they became comfortable with it and
found the technique lent itself to swifter line memorization.
With two actors sharing a role, they worked independently, together, and with the company telling the character’s story and the story of This Random World. This process increased the learning opportunities and the potential teachers in the rehearsal hall at any given moment. Peers exchanged knowledge, becoming both “lead” and “understudy.” It also offered a different way to experience both sides of the acting coin in one process and be fully engaged. It created a synergic dance that the stage management team was challenged to track and record as it changed from night to night.
During rehearsals, I was reading an article by Cope & Augustijnen which spoke of “’bardo’– the Buddhist idea of an in-between moment of heightened consciousness, a moment of choice and of transition between the past and the future, between confusion and wisdom.” This idea of confusion and wisdom resonated with me as the actors took on shadow work and brought it into their more familiar routines of preparation. It also layered into This Random World’s themes. The characters all seemed to be somewhere in that liminal space themselves.
It was exciting for me to be involved in this process and
see how it echoed into the play itself with its themes on transformation,
transition, and awareness.
Cope & Augustijnen, “Going ‘Au-delà’: A Journey into the Unknown,” from New Dramaturgy: International Perspectives on Theory and Practice, p. 168. Dietz, Steven. This Random World. Lee-Painter, David. “First Rehearsal Remarks.” Lee-Painter, David. “Opening Night Remarks.”
A Rumination from my dramaturgy of Steven Dietz’s This Random World directed by David Lee-Painter (DLP).
While the company was hard at work, I had to leave for two weeks. And waiting in the Phoenix airport to return home some connections occured to me…
The University of Idaho is fortunate to have a unique and long-lived relationship with the Oregon Shakespeare Festival. Through the Rex Rabold Fellowship, a UI theatre graduate is selected to work with the talented and dedicated people at the Festival.
Shortly after I graduated, the Fellowship was established (I initially thought I was still an undergrad but I just hadn’t left town yet). This feat was accomplished largely in part to the efforts of acting faculty member Forrest Sears.
Mr. Sears has graciously agreed to come out of retirement and join the company of This Random World–that group I had left behind to go on vacation–only I don’t know how to go on vacation so I was driving around researching a play, conducting interviews for my oral history project, and going to museums. Which led to me sitting in an airport nine days later, thinking about my time as a theatre undergrad, Mr. Sears, This Random World, and connections.
I scribbled down my thoughts and with DLP’s permission–he is often indulgent with my whims–I read it to the company before our final run-thru.
In the mid-1970s, Mr. Sears had a promising student named Rex Rabold.
Rex went on to do many things but most notably he became a beloved actor at the Oregon Shakespeare Festival.
Not long after Rex’s death, I walked into the U-Hut—which was my Shoup Hall—to discover it was buzzing.
An important person was there.
People were fussing over my classmate, actor Mike Behrens.
Something important was happening.
If you’ve tried to get two big things together to do something—even if it is a beneficial thing—you will know it is hard.
Theatre was trying to get the University and Oregon Shake to work together.
It was hard. But it happened.
Mr. Sears was instrumental in making it happen.
And the result was that Mike Behrens was to be the first Rex Rabold Fellow.
Daniel Haley was the 15th.
Whitney Holland will be the 27th.
Last week I was in the desert with Bruce Brockman, a former theatre chair and he reminded me that Mr. Sears had done this.
Mr. Sears taught Rex, taught me, mentored DLP, and created the Rex Rabold Fellowship.
DLP taught Haley and all of you. Haley went to the Shake and is back, sharing what he has learned.
Another UI theatre classmate told me that several years ago when she was directing in Wyoming, a faculty member approached her and said, “You talk about theatre the way I talk about theatre. Where are you from?”
And when she told him, he asked: “Do you know DLP?”
I wanted to mention these connections to you because before now I never felt grounded in UI theatre’s past and that I think it’s important to have a heritage, to be connected.
A Rumination from my dramaturgy of Steven Dietz’s This Random World directed by David Lee-Painter.
I find myself thinking about control and risk….
I have a tendency to read multiple books at a time. The coffee table is always loaded down with homework, play research, archival information, the latest papers and plays in progress, and whatever fun-stuff I’m engaged in.
Beyond being a squirrel brain and hopping around to different subjects and stories, I find it prompts cross-pollination of ideas. So! I have been reading Sheryl Paul’s The Wisdom of Anxiety: How Worry and Intrusive Thoughts Are Gifts to Help You Heal.
The current chapter is on intrusive thoughts and how they function to bring metaphorical messages from the subconscious. The Mayo Clinic website helpfully defines intrusive thought as “an unwelcome involuntary thought, image, or unpleasant idea that may become an obsession, is upsetting or distressing, and can feel difficult to manage or eliminate.”
Paul writes:
Intrusive thoughts cover over many core needs and feelings, but at the root is the need for certainty. As our culture fails to guide us to develop an acceptance of the changeable reality that defines our existence, we have a very hard time accepting uncertainty, which is another way of saying that we have a hard time accepting death in all forms. We resist grieving the emotional deaths that occur when we transition to new places in life….We’re not mentored on how to live life fully, which means feeling all our feelings. And when we don’t live life fully, we actually fear it, which then creates a fear of death.
The question of how to live life fully is one of the dominant themes for me in This Random World. So many of the characters are wrangling with different sections of this idea. Beth meticulously plans ahead even making arrangements for her death and funeral services—which people are encouraged to do—but she goes so far as to investigate when she probably WILL, die statistically speaking, and plans alternative arrangements based on season and availability of resources. She writes her own obituary and admonishes her brother: “Take control of your death, Tim Ward. Or somebody else will.”
Controlling your death is a neat flip on Dietz’s part. Beth looks to control her death by controlling her life. Which is another theme I find in TRW, issues of control. The characters work to control life, conversations, identity—how the world perceives them. And in the end, there is very little we can control which returns me to Paul:
Living with uncertainty. We simply don’t like it. We want definitive answers. We want definable goals. We are intrinsically wired to gravitate toward a need for control and a subsequent attempt to create the illusion of control, ….[and not to] connect to the transitory flow of life.
Scottie’s conversations reflect these ideas. She finds herself reflecting on her need for control, certainty, and the tedium all of that can bring about. She longs to have indulged more in the risk-taking of not knowing. Her doctor, one culturally assumed to be an expert on life and death, is unsure of how long Scottie has to live. She likes that unsurety in him and his willingness to admit it. She wishes she had been that way more often. It considers the idea that while confidence is a desirable strength perhaps we take it too far or misapply it. Rather then using it for risk avoidance we should use it to help meet vulnerability and welcome it.
The fear-based self is terrified of risk, terrified of anything that touches into vulnerability, it creates elaborate and convincing reasons why you need to walk away…. This creates an illusion of control…. In other words, the question to ask yourself is, “Is it more important for me to remain attached to the illusion of control or to learn about what it means to be loving?” If you want to learn about what it means to be loving to yourself and others, you have to be willing to let go of control.
Claire and Gary are at a point in their relationship where they choose to part. Each seeks protection temporally, Gary plans ahead. He’d planned a trip to Nepal for years and intended to marry Claire after one last big, solo adventure. Knowing and controlling the future is his way of minimizing risk to himself. He chides Claire for living in the past with her painful nostalgias.
Her teenage romance didn’t end happily but she knows what it
was and how it turned out. She also controls the memories of those days and can
focus on its idyllic nature and the hopes and dreams they had tendered. There
are only fleeting moments where any of the characters are fully in the present,
living and exposed to the moment as it happens. Those moments in TRW are more
frequently only planned for or reflected on. Few are played out before us.
Rather they are refracted through a character’s lens of seeing. The character decided
how to interpret and control what the events mean and show that to the audience.
And in the end, Scottie discovers that she has missed the
sunrise—and every sunrise is different—she wonders what else she has missed.
It’s a terrifying choice, no doubt. It’s a choice that flies in the face of every illusion of safety that you’ve spent a lifetime constructing…. The truth is that there is so little we can control. We make plans because we want to know what will happen in the next hour, but the unknowable and mysterious force of LIFE [sic] could subvert your plans in an instant. The only freedom is to make friends with not knowing.
